The Importance of Being Honest
I've been emailing with an aqaintance of mine. I initiated this communication after seeing him at a dinner one of my friends threw. I could say that I don't know why I e-mailed him. I could say that I have no agenda. I could say that I don't want anything but some friendly e-mail banter. I could lie.
I think I would like for him to ask me out. And for us to go to dinner, for drinks - to see if we have the propensity to talk for hours. To see if we should be more than just acquaintances. To see if when he smiles at a joke I have made, I get shivers down my spine. To see if when he holds my hand the first time, goosebumps appear. And what he thinks of all that.
Do I have a gut feeling that this is what I'm supposed to do? Absolutely not. That I should pretend that between the small talk, the stories, and the words I so carefully form there is nothing driving me. No agenda. I don't know what even put the idea in my mind that this is an available course of action to me. That this is at all welcome. That I can trespass on his life in a most intrusive way.
But I'm so curious about him, that I don't think I want to stop. Even though I probably will find, that there's nothing to this. That his replies, read by a neutral party, are peppered with clandestine versions of "what's gotten into you?", "why are you e-mailing me?" and "you want to know this, why?"
So I think I'm going to let myself be this foolish, silly girl for a couple more weeks. And after that, I will be honest. I will tell him my "agenda". I will await rejection. Because even though there is a very good chance that he'll fully laugh me out of the park, there is just no need for me to be spending time fooling myself.
I think I would like for him to ask me out. And for us to go to dinner, for drinks - to see if we have the propensity to talk for hours. To see if we should be more than just acquaintances. To see if when he smiles at a joke I have made, I get shivers down my spine. To see if when he holds my hand the first time, goosebumps appear. And what he thinks of all that.
Do I have a gut feeling that this is what I'm supposed to do? Absolutely not. That I should pretend that between the small talk, the stories, and the words I so carefully form there is nothing driving me. No agenda. I don't know what even put the idea in my mind that this is an available course of action to me. That this is at all welcome. That I can trespass on his life in a most intrusive way.
But I'm so curious about him, that I don't think I want to stop. Even though I probably will find, that there's nothing to this. That his replies, read by a neutral party, are peppered with clandestine versions of "what's gotten into you?", "why are you e-mailing me?" and "you want to know this, why?"
So I think I'm going to let myself be this foolish, silly girl for a couple more weeks. And after that, I will be honest. I will tell him my "agenda". I will await rejection. Because even though there is a very good chance that he'll fully laugh me out of the park, there is just no need for me to be spending time fooling myself.
posted by Smarta at 5:25 PM
5 Comments:
You think and talk and write WAAAAY too much. Just ask this dude out. Live your life in REAL life and stop blogging your 30's away. And you don't need wrinkle cream. You look fine. You will NEVER guess who this is so don't even try.
"you think and talk and write WAAAY too much"
Hmm, I'm not sure I feel comfortable with taking advice from someone who thinks I talk too much...
Maybe Anonymous should stop surfing in virtual reality ie. web and take his/her own advice? =)
We tried that.... ;) It wasn't meant to irritate you, just spur you on a little... sorry...
Is it... "Old Man John"?
I thought we agreed not to guess?? ;)
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